


Alive is Different than Okay

by Jayjaykirschtein



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drug Abuse, Nightmares, Post-The Blood of Olympus, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Triggers, realistic aftermath of BoO
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 18:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4489533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jayjaykirschtein/pseuds/Jayjaykirschtein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The battle with Gaea is over. The second war in two years is done. The war inside their minds seems to go on forever. They are only kids. </p><p>~Post BoO stuff. A mix of connected one shots with each character's point of view. Will be chronological. Show's who heals first and how. Lots of triggers sorry~</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alive is Different than Okay

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter will be titled with a character name. Whoever is the title of the chapter will also be the narrator of the chapter. These chapters will be varying in length. Some short (like this first one) some long, some SUPER LONG so bare with me. Hope you enjoy!

It’s been one week. One week since Gaea was defeated. One week since the uniting of the Greek and Roman forces. One week since the second mythological war in my lifetime ended. One week since Leo died. It’s been one week.

 

The immediate aftermath, the adrenaline and relief, has developed a somber tone amongst everyone. We were so happy, ecstatic, overjoyed. It was over. We were alive. This was the second war in two years that each of us had faced. We were relieved that it was over and grasping hopefully at the prospect of a peaceful life in years to come. We could go home and be with our loved ones. We could have fun with friends. We could see an ideal future, not shrouded by monsters and godly wars. We could be normal teenagers for once. We could be happy. We could finally live. _We were alive_. We were alive . . . We were never okay.

 

Immediately following the war, the air was blackened with dread from the reality lain before us but hopefully nonetheless. We held our friends close, visited family if we had any left, held our heads high, and celebrated the end of a tumultuous journey. We were children basking in our success and reveling in the dawn of a new peaceful era, however long it would last. We took the calm as it lasted and held it high above our heads, replacing the cruel gods we called parents who put us through hell and back. _We were alive_. We were alive . . . until we realised we were never okay.

 

Shroud after shroud after shroud was burned, small embers floating into the bright blue August sky. The sky was blue, like Jason’s eyes, but we were all rendered colorblind by the dread hanging on our shoulders. There weren’t nearly as many shrouds to be burned after this war, most of which were burned for the fallen hunters of Artemis and Amazon warriors. It wasn’t their style necessarily, but they helped bring the camps together, so respect was to be paid. The last shroud we burned was one that made food turn to ash in our mouths. _We could have saved him. We could have stopped him. It was the prophecy of seven, yet he sacrificed himself._ Too often have we seen friends die before our eyes. The life of a demigod was strenuous, dangerous, deadly. You only lived if you were lucky or you cheated, sometimes both applied. For some, very few, you got a second chance.

 

Looking over at Hazel, I couldn’t even see her face. She was turned away from the shroud, clinging tight onto Frank’s shirt with one arm while the other arm was stretched out, hand linked with her brother’s, sobs racking her chest all the while. Frank was crying too, though not as audibly as his girlfriend. His face was buried in Hazel’s curly hair as he held her close and let silent tears fall from his eyes. Nico was expressionless as he held onto his sister’s hand. When asked why he showed so little emotion over Leo’s death, he replied, with a hint of bitterness laced in his tone, _I’ve cried about death enough for ten life-times._

 

I knew better than to question his response. The son of Hades had always been odd with his emotions, and at this specific point in time, I had yet to know why. I turned to look over at Piper and Jason, immediately feeling the sadness find a home in my heart. For one person’s death to bring this feeling of eternal blackness into broad daylight, even with people like Jason and Piper, was horrifically astounding. _I could have stopped him. I was right there. We were right there, Pipes! Why didn’t we stop him!?_ Jason sat on the ground in front of the fire, knees pulled to his chest, glasses thrown to the side, face red and soaked with tears, hands furiously running through his short blond hair. He blamed himself. More than anyone else. Piper wasn’t any more stable than her boyfriend. The two were so hopelessly depressed at the loss of their best friend that neither could comfort the other. Piper leaned her head on Jason’s shoulder as they both shook and sobbed violently, her knees on the ground, her arms wrapped around her chest, and her face pale and red, soaked from tears. She blamed herself. More than anyone else.

 

And that’s when I turned one last time. He was standing still, staring intently at the fire. Percy was doing everything he could to not look at his friends who were broken beyond repair because if he saw them, shattered and sobbing, he would remember just how damaged he had become. _Just how damaged WE had become. We were alive until we realised we weren’t okay._ His eyes were red and his tan cheeks were tear stained from making his feelings known when this process had begun. He was holding back tears that threatened to escape because he was unable to block out the sounds of his friends sobbing around him. As I turned to him, I gave him a sad smile as a few tears fell from my own eyes. I was done holding them back. I let out a sad laugh and spoke quietly to him. _The gods are never going to let us be happy, are they?_

 

That’s when he turned to me, noticing the words I had just spoken. He looked at me and frowned, confused from my words. _But I am happy._ He spoke quietly to me, desiring to remain unheard to let the others mourn. _I’m not happy with this specific moment, but I’m still happy._

It was my turn to look confused, baffled, dumbfounded. How could anyone be happy during this time? The world was literally against us, and another good friend sent himself to Hades to make sure we didn’t have to. _How?_

 

He smiled at my questioning his happiness. He genuinely smiled. That crooked mischievous grin that had become endearing over time, but still drove me crazy. _Leo may be gone, but the rest of you guys are still here. I didn’t know him as well as some of the rest of you did, but I’m pretty sure he would hate to see everyone like this._ Then he reached for my hand and pulled me in close, kissing one of my temples. _And I’ll always be happy when I have you._

 

We were happy. We were relieved. We were children at the end of a war we didn’t know would never end. We were alive . . . But _alive_ is different than _okay_.

 

The rest of the week flew by in a blur of repairs, infirmary time, visits and Iris messages home, tears, and nightmares. Now it is the end of the week, and okay is a far away word with no form or concept. The darkness got darker, flashes of light and brightness and hope grew dimmer and more scarce. The war was over. The casualties were accounted for. Friends were reunited. _The war was over._ So why are we still on the front lines?

 

 _Annabeth Chase_. My name is known amongst both camps, as are the names of the rest of the seven, Reyna, and Nico. We saved the camps. We saved the world. It is uncanny, actually, how similar the words _savior_ and _survivor_ are in my head. I can’t begin to understand how I am known as a hero amongst demigods for listening to my mother’s commands and fighting for my life through the deepest depths of Tartarus. I faced my biggest fears, dealt with certain death, shattered from the inside out over and over and over again, only to be called a hero? A savior? I didn’t save anyone but myself. Maybe I saved Percy too, but he saved me just as many times down there if not more. I found a statue. I crawled through Tartarus with my boyfriend. I assisted my mother in slaying a giant. I didn’t stop Gaea. I didn’t save any lives. I dragged my boyfriend into hell with me. And what do I have to show for it? Praise from people around me and a blackened void known as my brain. My fatal flaw may be pride, but right now, I can’t help but be sickened with myself.

 

I do my best, though. I focus and narrow in on pleasant things. Small specks of light hidden in the darkness. I search for them, yearning for some small ounce of happiness to grasp onto with all my might. _Percy is alive._ I remember small obvious things like that. _We’re going to spend senior year together._ And then go to college together. Searching and searching for small known things that make life a little bit brighter. _Nico’s confession. Maybe he can finally be happy. It’d be nice to see him happy_. Something. Anything to sideline the nightmares. The never-ending darkness. Wandering alone, blind and deaf to everything, without even Percy beside me. _There were much fewer casualties in this war._ I can’t let the insanity of Tartarus consume me. _I am Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena, and so much more. I am alive. I will learn to be okay again._

 

It’s been one week. One week since Gaea was defeated. One week since the uniting of the Greek and Roman forces. One week since the second mythological war in my lifetime ended. One week since Leo died. It’s been one week, and I’m learning to be okay again.

 

The prospect of being able to function at full mental capacity is like a dream written amongst the clouds. A far-fetched fantasy you would only see coming true at the end of a movie. Happy endings are for movie stars and lucky mortals. There’s no such thing as a happy ending for demigods. But I’ll be damned if I don’t fight for one. The sadness, the loss, the heartache and physical strains that have been put on us in our short short lifetimes is enough to gift a thousand happy endings. I will fight with everything I have to be okay again. I will fight with everything I have to have a night where neither of us wakes up screaming and crying and hoping for a better life. I will fight with all I have to ensure a safe and happy life for us once we graduate college. I will use every ounce of strength I have left to reward Percy with the happiness he deserves. I will have a happy ending because _I am Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena, and so much more. I am alive. I will learn to be okay again._

 

 _Okay_ isn’t something achieved overnight. The despair, the terror, the nightmares, the memories, none of it can be shut of with the press of a button. But looking at him, his smile, hearing his laugh, being near him and knowing he is as alive and safe as I am, makes the maze leading to contentment a little easier to follow. I will live through  the days where  I have to keep him away from weapons, just as he does with me. I will live through the days where we have to be on constant surveillance of each other, making sure we don’t break down and making sure we remember to eat and drink each day. I will live through the days where the fear and sadness and anger is so strong that the only thing that matters between even the closest friends is who is to blame for the death of fallen friends. I will live through the days where his emotions get the best of him and he taps into the darker side of his powers. I will live and I will fight. I will be okay.

  
It’s been one week. One week since Gaea was defeated. One week since the uniting of the Greek and Roman forces. One week since the second mythological war in my lifetime ended. One week since Leo died. It’s been one week, and I’m learning to be okay again. I will live and I will fight. I will have my happy ending with Percy Jackson, and no one is going to take it from me. All of my friends will have their happy ending, gods be damned. _I am Annabeth Chase, daughter of Athena, and so much more. I am alive. Alive is different than okay, but I will fight with all of my strength to be more than okay. I will be happy. We will be happy._  

**Author's Note:**

> No one officially beta'd this so it might be a little rough. Comments and questions are welcomed with open arms and an open mind!


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